Twenty Four and There's So Much More

This past week marked my 24th birthday! It had worked out that I had a packed week filled with catching up with friends, celebrating, and going to Palm Springs for the weekend with some girlfriends. I was ready to begin this new year as my "mid" twenties started but one thing loomed over my head, getting into a bathing suit... And while the thought of getting into a bathing suit SHOULD'VE been the last thought on my mind pre-birthday week, I couldn't help but think if I was ready for one. And as I toiled with the persistent "you are going to be fine! just put the damn thing on, who cares what you look like?" I had made a plan early in the month that I would cut out sugar and carbs so that I could drop those few extra pounds...

So beginning in May I decided to cut the shit and get on a regimen. But I went on vacation... and then I went through a f*ck it, you look great phase! And then the week before, panic set in. I wondered why putting a damn bathing suit on was always such a big deal to me (and if i can say it, my friends) This talk of what we were ready for as the summer months hit gave me anxiety. Because I knew that others would be around and what would they think of me? (In hindsight, red flag number 1 I realize). I knew where my problems began, and like many, they started in early high school. Freshman year I was made fun of by a couple of idiot boys and the fact that I didn't necessarily look like the other girls going in created an unhealthy mindset for me. I was seeking validation from adolescent, prepubescent boys and couldn't see past my damn flesh to seek the virtue in my own skin! The substituted meal replacements and diet fads in high school didn't appeal to me anymore. But now that I was turning 24, I thought, seriously? I'm still on this wave? The validation from boys was long gone but I still saw my body as unworthy and ugly. It baffled me that my positivity knew no bounds when I was hyping up friends, seeing girls online loving themselves, and validating the insecurities of others, but that never made the transfer into my own life. The disconnect always loomed and as the Palm Springs weekend creeped closer and closer I decided to give up on what I wanted my body to look like in 5 days. There was just no way.

The trip came and I was feeling confident in the new bathing suit my friends had gifted me for the weekend. But then the dreaded pictures came and I was back in the same place I had been the week before of self-deprecation. And while I admit I wish I handled it with myself better, I didn't. I was mean, questioning my own judgment, and decided to cover up. I long to be carefree for myself and my mental stability but to be honest, after 12+ years of struggle, it seems I've only won half the battle. And some days, the battle was the victor. I felt as though I needed to get these struggles out on paper. All I can say is for now is that my struggle is a daily struggle because I chose to make it one. Someone once told me that if your body is functioning normally then it is a good body, and that's how it should be seen. Body neutrality, she called it. So I'm trying to implement that strategy when the going gets tough. And stay away from Instagram model pages... Now that I'm a week into being 24 I'm trying to stand in front of the mirror less, grab at my stomach less, and not think how I look to others. My hope is that I can manage my own thoughts about myself sooner rather than later in the hopes of having this issue come to an end. If you, the reader, have these same feelings or know of methods to combat them, I'm so ready to hear them out! For now, I'm going to eat a ~gluten-free~ bagel, f*ck the system, and enjoy the rest of my week.

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